Somedays it all feels a little crazy. Like I am kinda living a dream or something. We were in a family conference with Gat's doctor and he said if he could go home in 2-3 weeks that being if there is no set backs. That scared me-it was like all this time I knew he was ours but it has never felt like we were going to be able to take him home with us. Although there is pretty much no way we could have him home in 2-3 weeks anymore. The doc said it would be closer to 2-3 months.
That's the facts.
We will be driving back and forth to GR for another 2 months. I will be waking up each morning trying to figure out when I will get to see Gatlyn, where will the girls go. I don't want to ask the grandparents again. I just want a day where we can all be together the WHOLE day. The only way that will happen is when Gatlyn is home. I know to make progress you have to take a step back every now and then. I understand that he had to go back on oxygen again because he needed it. It just sucks. Nobody wants their baby in the NICU for a day let alone 3 months.
I just feel kinda angry. I am ready for the season to be over. I am ready to be done spending $200/week in gas. All of it is worth it when we get there, no doubt. It just sucks. I don't think anybody needs to do this to go see their baby. Their baby who sometimes you feel like his nurses know better than you. You just wish you could spend another hour, but, you have other kids that need you. The roads are getting bad. I want to just lay in bed and have all my kids under 1 roof. I wanna feel like a mother of 3. I want to go out in public and not have to say, "well, we don't really know when he'll be home." I am sick of acting like it is fine. I try to stay busy so I don't have to think about it. I hate having to call to check on my son, at least I can check on him. I am disappointed that I won't even get to try nursing him. I am upset that I couldn't keep that up. I wanted to be able to do one thing for him. I am ready for things to turn around. I don't want to hear the word surgery anymore. Not for Gat, not for me. I am ready for things to start going my way (although I know my way is not HIS way always). I want Jo to know that Gat will be coming home, not when he is old like mommy, but as a baby. He will be with us forever. I want Rae to understand that he is our baby. Not one that we just go and see. I want Gatlyn to know that I love him, WE love him, WE want him home. I want to cry again. I can't even cry again. That feeling in my throat but I just can't cry anymore.
It isn't just about me, it's about Jess, Jo, Rae and Gat. Our family.
We are ready for break.
As of last night Gatlyn is back off oxygen again:) But we are going to have to start backing off on the feedings:(
I went to MOPS once when I was still living in lakeo and had to move the next weekend so never got to attend again. I had no idea that you had a son or that he was in the hospital. I ran into your blog by facebook (saw pics from emily, then got hte blog from your sisters facebook). I caught myself up on your situation and realized our babies were born on the same day. I had baby girl oct 9 at 1135 am via emergency c-section. she was 3 weeks early. I can't imagine what you are going through nor being away from my baby for that long. You are an amazing trooper and seeing you that day I never would have guessed you were going through such hardships. I almost cry everytime I read something about how little he was and then tear up with joy that he is doing well. It makes everyone realize what we take for granted as mothers. Your blog is a true journey in the name of the lord. Faith, strength, family, love, and accepting it is all in his hands no matter how hard it is to let go of the reins. I am going to put your family on the prayer list as well as baby Gatlyn in his recovery and that he is such a trooper. I am truly glad I ran into this blog (even though it has me up way past the time I usually stay up) It is just another joy of being a mother.
ReplyDeleteBecky Honore (Wise)