the tears don't roll anymore

The topic has of complaining has been on my mind a lot lately. I am really nervous about writing about it though. I mean I don't want anyone to get offended, so don't, ok, disclaimer done!haha

Pretty sure complaining has been on my mind because I find myself doing it. I don't want to, I have NOTHING to complain about. No matter how much I want to. . . I refuse and I won't! Life is too short to be unhappy all the time. I don't want to feel blah or wishing something was better than it is. I gotta live in the moment. I think in all reality though that is just hard to hear people complain about their life. Wishing something was different whether it be a job, husband, kids, just life. Once that wish was granted we would find something else to complain about. . .right? 

Example: Jess and I chose to have 3 children. Do we really have the right to complain about being a mom or dad. For real though, we chose it. So on those sleepless nights...yes we still have those and our kids at home are 3.5 and 1.5...we have to remember those will eventually end. So just be happy that you have kids to get up with, not everyone is able. Be happy that you get to be their comfort and that they want you. It is hard to remember that. And more for me now than ever, do I remember this. Not being able to be their comfort each night was tough. So, if one night Jo just can't sleep great in her room and she comes sneaking into my room-I will slide over and get woke up a million times from an elbow in my side, head, face. Or if Rae can't find her pacifier or blankie has fell out of bed, off I go(not always awake).

And, when I chose to be a mom I GET the joy of taking the kids to the grocery store! 

Is it easy? Not always. 

Is it fun? Barely(I don't like grocery shopping anyway). 

But, I don't want to waste the family time at night, so I go during the day, kids and all. Although this takes special planning around nap times, eating, etc. And I find it is easier as they get older. But, I have been the lady in the store with a screaming child. Yes, I left a full cart of groceries at the front and hauled a 2 year old under my arm and carseat hanging off the other. Then I get to the car and cry all the way home on the phone to Jess. This is motherhood. . . am I right? Can I get a amen!?! haha. Do you have any great grocery store stories? I would love to hear it! Makes me feel a little better. 

I guess this post has been on my mind for awhile. I feel like right now, at this point in my life, I could be miserable. Or I can turn it around not get totally freaked out our car is done for. That I will be car-less while Jess is at work and that means later nights for us to go see G-baby. Or our Envoy get 15 miles to the gallon and Jess has to drive to work and then we have to go to see Gat each night. Because, honestly last week when Jess's work car died. I was FLIPPING out! Heaven for bid one more thing happen. I tried to cry but couldn't it was just like I can't cry anymore, the tears wouldn't come. I was just like, "God help us out here, I'm spent physically, emotionally, and need help! We need you! How are we going to do it!? We can't buy a car right now, what if something happens to Gatlyn? Jess can't get there fast enough from Kalamazoo(where he is working right now)." 

I panicked. I freaked. I went into overdrive. All for about 10 minutes. Then I just put my hands up and gave it to the Big Guy. Yah I am still upset we have to buy another car eventually. But, that car has nothing but good to us! Then Jess got to work overtime. He is working more which couldn't have worked at a better time. I mean seriously, God's plans are so meticulously planned out. He is watching out for us daily, by the hour, by the minutes, by the second. He knows and there is where I end that. 

HE KNOWS.

The End. 

Getting it out there makes me feel better. Hopefully at least one person has felt this way and can understand where I am coming from. Then I rest easy knowing I have done what I wanna do!

COWBOY UPdate:

Gatlyn is doing AWESOME! He got his broviac put in on Tuesday and did really well. A broviac is a central line right into a main vessel and is tunneled under the skin to prevent infection. It should last a couple months or more...hopefully! prayer for that please!?? Thursday, the 22nd (o wow...I really need to get my Christmas shopping done!) he will be having his reconnection surgery! He only had to wait 6 weeks and 1 day. All the glory to God for it being that quick! He is wearing clothes now and weighing in at about 5 pounds! Big boy...I know!

This is the perfect quote for this post! 

"Do not spoil what you have by

desiring what you have not;

remember that what you have

now was once among the things

you only hoped for." 

-Greek philosopher, Epicurus

that time of the year

This is the time of the year where everybody says what they are thankful for. I am extremely thankful this year.

Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

Thessalonians 5:18

So here is a list of what I am thankful for currently. 

In no particular order

-Having the Lord in my heart-

-EVERYBODY in my family who picks us up when we need it-

-Jesse Dean, my one and only-

-JoJo who always keeps me guessing-

 -Rae who surprises me more each day-

-Gat Man, who has me wrapped around his finger-

-My church family-who support is never ending-

-Lacey-no matter how much gets in the way, always makes time for me-

-Our home, that keeps me busy-

-My vehicle, that has yet to fail me-

-Music that inspires me-

-Noodles, because I love them-

-Dr. Pepper that is my main beverage-

-My 20somethin mama readers, you guys rock:)-

I may have missed some but they always can be added later right?

Take time to enjoy your family this Thanksgiving and enjoy each calorie you take in;)

The Mama for sure will!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING.

WE HERE AT 20SOMETHIN MAMA APPRECIATE 

ALL OF OUR READER SUPPORT.  

a look in the rearview mirror.

I was looking through the memory card from my phone and found some real treasures. So, you get to see them:)

-Enjoy-

this was saved as BRUCE. which means this is the picture I had for my cousin Bruce's # in my phone...haha

Holy Cow! Great friend Rach and me on the softball bus. Senior year (2007)

Kels & me in the Taurus!

umm....

baby bro chuggin on that root beer.

she's caught in the act.

Cousin Tuck pitching and baby bro batting.

my first child...Kenya RIP

young love

i found a lot of just her...

creepy

OMG so little!

RIP skiddle hopper and what was the other ones name?haha

fun times.

my sweet kenya. lol

what a hottie!

Nappy!!!

We used to have so much fun!

Add caption

3 of a Kind

Best Friends to the end.

I swear I am not on anything.

BRY.

Oh Mother!

I have a lot of picture to the day like this. I think I like what I see!haha

HA

haha sexy ladies!

my big bro!

My monkey baby-JoJo

Smiling doesn't always 
mean you're happy.
It simply means
you are a strong person.

rain first

Everyone wants HAPPINESS, no one wants PAIN.

But you can't make a RAINBOW, without a little RAIN.

Inspiration and truth.

There are always going to be those things in life that knock you down. Or cause you pain. Each of us have a different thing that causes us pain. The last three weeks have been the hardest weeks for me to date. It beats all the crazy little things I have let get to me in the past. I have said this before and I believe it more today. . . when it rains, it pours. 

Life sometimes gets you down, honestly though, you can't sit down there to long and feel bad for yourself. You gotta take it in and get it out. Especially when you put everything you have into what you do, your heart breaks each time. This is what I do on here, to you. Yes, this is a little bit of a downer post. I am going to list a few things that just plain suck right now. (for some reason I feel like suck is a swear word...i think my mother used to yell at me for saying it or something.lol) Anywho here is my sucky list.

Gatlyn is in the hospital

I feel like I have to make up for lost time with the girls.

Gas

my husband snoring next to me right now...uggghh

my sisters living a distance

that Rae hasn't been feeling the best

Andi gets upset when I leave to see Cowboy

I still have to pump...cowboy isn't even eating.

that i try to constantly give people the benefit of the doubt...even if they don't deserve it(right dad? nobody deserves anything)

that I can't fix everything

that i won't have my whole fambamily together until possibly March

seeing my baby in pain

Now on a positive note. Here is what I am thankful, happy about.

that gatlyn is here with us

I am with my girls and they are happy to be with me no matter how long I was out of comission

that i have faith

that I have a car

my husband is wonderful even if he snores.

Andi wants to be with me

I am able to give other children a source of nutrition (I donate my milk right now)

I tend to be forgiving

that God has a plan

I will get to be with my family in March(hopefully)

I can soothe my baby by singing horribly and holding a pacifier in his mouth for a hour:)

Notice how I was negative and then positive about each of the same things. I have no idea why I do this, but when I was typing out all the things I was mad about I would say the reason why it will help or why I should be thankful. I am strange...

Cowboy UPdate: 

Wee man is improving. He is very swollen, but, tonight he looked a teeny bit better than the night before. PTL!! He will be getting switched to a conventional ventilator soon. They are going to start weening him off his antibiotics soon as well! Hopefully the next couple weeks bring MAJOR improvement!




Put God first
and 
You'll never be last.

kisses for my cowboy

This week has been crazy to say the least, but it is 2 o'clock on Saturday afternoon and all I can think about it Christmas. This is how I am, I busy myself with everything that is NOT cleaning. I could blame this on the fact that I have a lot going on in my head. If I am perfectly honest though, it's not. I am almost positive I have some type of ADD. I cannot focus on one thing EVER, forget things frequently, and will not sit still. Oh yah, I am really good at finding an excuse at why I didn't/shouldn't do something. Why this little rant you ask? Well, I should be doing the dishes. Like it's REAL bad. In my head though, "everyone probably wants to know what is up with Gatlyn." (welcome to just a peek into my head...it's crazy get out while you can!)

Lately though I have had a constant Christmas list for everybody else going through my head. I have had a few people ask what Jess and I would like. I seriously have no idea. I am just honestly so thankful for everything I have right now. I am perfectly content with my life. Sure I feel like everyone always wants some clothes or shoes. When I have to think about what I really want it gets a little harder. I just really want my family all together once again. And after today it makes me want it even more. . .

Today I insisted that Jess and I take the girls to see our little Cowboy. Jess was very reluctant because the last time we took Rae she made it like .6 minutes (yes I mean POINT 6. like not even a minute). But, I had the idea in my head we were all going together and the girls WILL be stuck with us all day. My plans never really work out the way we want, so, we left at like 10:50. Which once we got almost to Alto I realized hmm...lunch is like in 45 min. SHOOT! It will be AWFUL if I take Rae in there hungry. So, I told Jess, "Sorry we gotta stop to BK and get these girls some food." He gave me a little crap. I just said, "Let me do this my way and it will work." He just sinked down in the seat. ((I was driving thankfully)) He then insisted I had this planned from the beginning. hmm...I was hungry so maybe subconsiously I was thinking this. WHO KNOWs... anywho. Get the girls there meal and insist they have to eat it all or else. Then Jess has to go to Gander Mountain (hunt, fish, camp). So we drop them off there and ran into Sam's to get some blank CDs. This all took 20 minutes. By the time we got to the hospital the girls were just finishing up their food, PERFECT timing. 

We wash up and go see our wee man. Poor fella, is just sooo swollen. But, Rae was AWESOME!! She was blowing kisses and whispering hi! Melted our hearts. She probably was in there 5 minutes. So Jess took her to the waiting room and I finished talking to the nurse. I heard Andi whispering, "Bye bye Gatlyn I love you." So, I said I take it your ready and she said yup. I said my I love yous and gave him a little finger hug/squeeze. Went to the waiting room with the girls so Jess could go back in. And we were there a total of 45 minutes. 

BEST 45 minutes to date. Have all of my kiddos together. I am sooo thankful. 

Another fun thing I went to see Gatlyn on Thursday and his nurse lifted the top of his bed so I could kiss on him. Man, everytime I see him I fall more in love. 

So, now I should really go do the dishes. Hope you all have a wonderful day.

Be who you are

and say what you feel

because 

those who mind 

don't matter

and 

those who matter 

don't mind.

onemonthandtoomuchgoingon

Alrighty, here we go. . . I am going to cut out some detail and make it shorter than it is.

Cowboy's health had been continually decreasing since last Friday. Tuesday I went and talked to a doctor and he informed me that Gat would need surgery in 4-6 weeks. They knew this by blood work and XRAYS. Then on Wednesday I got a call around 2pm from the doctor. He was letting me know that surgery will be happening sooner than we thought. I then talked to the surgeon on the phone, he said they wanted to do surgery as soon as they could (4pm). He proceeded to tell me why and what they would be doing. Gatlyn had to have a Exploratory surgery. They had to figure out what was going on with his belly. They were suspecting the NEC had killed part of his small intestines. And they were right, they went in and took out the dead intestine and left about 40 cm. Most premature babies have about 100 cm of small intestine, so they are guessing they took roughly 60 cm. He will have a temporary stoma for 6-8 weeks and after that they will do another surgery to reconnect his small intestines. There are many risk with everything that is going on. And a heck of a lot of information. But to be completely honest the more info I share, the more questions I get. So, I know this may sound harsh but, I don't want to be drilled. We know what we need to know and ask a lot of question each time we go.

Jess and I are holding up. It is hard and really unexplainable to have the feelings that we feel. Even when we talk to one another and try to explain how we feel, we can never can out exactly what we are feeling. But we know what we are feeling is the same. We are hurt, nervous, worried, scared, mad and sad all at once. Yet, nobody to really be mad. I know God has his hands all over our family, especially the fact yesterday(surgery day) everyone is in the right places. Jess happened to get rained off of work. Jesse's mom was like 1 minute away when Jess called to see if she could get the girls. And my mom and dad were home to meet us at the hospital. To be quite honest I was nervous about having my parents there. I didn't want my emotions getting in the way of listening and doing what I have to do. And I me and my mother both get pretty emotional. But Jess and I both said on the way home that we were glad they were there. And to have the girls go to Jesse's parents was perfect. JoJo being the girl she is, knew that something wasn't right and was having a hard time. His mom nanny's for a little boy and he is Andi's best friend. He took her mind off of everything. They love their grandparents. Rae was eating, therefore was as happy as can be. ha.

So now, we wait again. We pray that Cowboy starts to improve in the next few days. Because honestly, I am fed up with it and ready for him to be healthy. It doesn't seem right that my baby boy can go through more traumatic events in the first month of his life than I have in 22 years. Heartbreaking.

Oh yah, to top it all off. He was 1 month old yesterday. What a great first month for my poor boy.

All my love to my wee man and thanks to the Big Guy upstairs for getting us through.

family helps.

Geez, it is already another Monday. I missed my regular Sunday post.

Cowboy UPdate: Gatlyn is still the same. They are doing all they can to treat the infection, but, it is just watching and waiting. Which is extremely hard. I wish I had more to say than that. But, the surgeon sees him 2x a day and the doctors make their rounds daily. We just pray that this "gas pattern" he has moves through and that the infection in the wall of his intestines will miraculously go away. He is weighing in at 3 pounds 6 ounces. Hard to say how much of that is the fluids versus actual weight gain.

This is a hard time in our lives, and it would be twice as hard if it wasn't for our families. I want to dedicate this post to my family. From my husband to my both sets of parents. We could not do it without there constant support and help with the girls. They are awesome.

My sisters and I got to have a weekend together. It actually to be the weekend of Halloween. We had so much fun and it makes me want them closer even more! We laughed so hard the whole time we were together and I wish we could do it more. NOW, I am well aware if we were together all the time we would fight like when we were little. But, a good 20-45minute drive wouldn't be all that bad. Especially since my big sister lives 4 hours away:( I wish I would have taken pictures of the fun we had. Although a picture wouldn't do it justice. I miss Jamie and I laughing at Alexis' comments (when she thinks it makes sense and it doesn't). Or disagreeing on something until we have killed the topic. Or just the pure advice a sister can give. I love them and am grateful for them. Love you guys<3

I am really excited about my next post and I hope you are too! It has to do with food and trying to save money. I am currently working on it and will be up in a bit!

IT IS NOT HAPPY PEOPLE

WHO ARE THANKFUL,

IT IS THANKFUL PEOPLE

WHO ARE HAPPY.

eventful weekend

My sisters were both in town this past weekend. And honestly, they couldn't have had better timing. We all went to see Cowboy on Saturday, I haven't laughed that much in forever. And then me and the girls hung out with them at mom's house that night. Then Sunday all of us were in church with our girls. After church Jess and I went to the hospital to see the wee man. As you read in my previous post, Cowboy isn't feeling the best. Actually he is feeling the worst...and I will pick up from early Monday morning.

I got a phone call from the doctor that Cowboy would be put on a ventilator temporarily. The reason for this is that he can rest and hopefully heal. We also were told that this infection is very serious. So far he hasn't had to have surgery but there is the possibility that he may need it. He has NEC, read more about it when you click on the NEC. So, he has now been on 3 different types of ventilators and is currently on a oscillatory ventilator. There is a lot of information that it is just too much to type. He is on pain medication as well. Finally he is resting comfortably with the help of a couple blood transfusions as well.

On a positive note, Halloween was fun! JoJo loved getting dressed up as a lion. And Raebug was some what of a cupcake. She was just a very cute little girl:) We had a Halloween Feast at our house, having both sides of the family over while passing out candy. Then Jess and I took JoJo to the firebarn for the town party. Andi won the "Most Original". Honestly, it was really weird how they did it. They call out all the 3 and under contestants and walk them in a continuous circle. I didn't go out with her at first, her uncle Scott took her and his son out. It was crazy how they make them walk in a continuous circle and pull out like 5 kids. Here are some pics from our weekend.

lovin on stell bell

kisses

ROAR!

the bow is fabulous, but I couldn't get a good pic. 

this is the best i could get.

mountain lion?

Cousins minus cowboy

haha

stell the burrito getting more love

You never know

how STRONG you are

until being STRONG

is the only

choice you have. 

mama's cookin' again

Tonight's Menu was a quick decision. Being that hubster hasn't really had to cook anything for a month our fridge/freezer are lacking in a few areas. I took a look around the kitchen and seen potatoes and no protein. I knew potato soup was gonna be on the menu. Now I had to find a different recipe than I usually use. So of course where else to go than Pinterest. I needed a QUICK, baconless soup. (The recipe I usually use take like 4 hours. I had one hour.) After looking at a few different recipes I went with this one. It actually is a toddler soup. So would be great if your kids like potatoes and cheese:) Unfortunately my girls are not potato lovers. They opted for Mac N' Cheese. Hubster said that he would like his less pureed next time but loved the flavor and stuff. He put topped his with goldfish crackers. Which toddlers would love the fish in their soup! Then also I remembered seeing a 30 minute roll on Pinterest as well. So I looked that up and whipped up real quick. You can find the recipe here.

This meal literally took me a hour. That includes prep all the way to clean up and a 3 year old helper. Which for some reason always means more clean up. But, I want her to learn to cook and like being in the kitchen! Hope you try these out and enjoy them as much as Jess did.

Everything you say 

to your child is

absorbed 

catalogued 

and

remembered.

another week has passed

Another week has passed. Which now brings the grand total of 7 weeks on bed rest for this lady. And hoping for another 7. . .

October 2nd also means I have been back in the hospital for a month. 

Doctor says she will feel A LOT better once we get to 28 weeks. As will I.

New room change this week. I am now in the "Penthouse" and am a "Queen Bee". Which basically means you are now one of the patients who have been here the longest, so, you get the room with a 2 sets of windows and some more room. The lady prior to me I was told, had been here a while too. So I took some pics of my new pad.

Wanna see my "Penthouse"?

My board. Obviously I took this pic a couple days ago. Filled with pics of my girlies and one of the little fella. This also is our Sequence board. See top right... hubs is a little harsh, MaLoser. . . for reals?

Fridge packed with plenty of Dr. P and other snacks.

Snack Attack! and yes that is a giant pumpkin filled with all different kids of M&Ms.

Yum...I love me some carbs and cake. FYI I don't use all that butter!

flowers courtesy of bullings

creeper...

The Art Studio:)

The Penthouse

flowers courtesy of brenda and pumpkin: amanda

The daily routine: devotional, bible, journal

hanging out in the children's center.

She doesn't stop moving!

Within reach of my bed:)

The usual lunch.

twice a day chocolate torte

Home is where your family is. . . I think mine needs to come move in with me:)