the tears don't roll anymore

The topic has of complaining has been on my mind a lot lately. I am really nervous about writing about it though. I mean I don't want anyone to get offended, so don't, ok, disclaimer done!haha

Pretty sure complaining has been on my mind because I find myself doing it. I don't want to, I have NOTHING to complain about. No matter how much I want to. . . I refuse and I won't! Life is too short to be unhappy all the time. I don't want to feel blah or wishing something was better than it is. I gotta live in the moment. I think in all reality though that is just hard to hear people complain about their life. Wishing something was different whether it be a job, husband, kids, just life. Once that wish was granted we would find something else to complain about. . .right? 

Example: Jess and I chose to have 3 children. Do we really have the right to complain about being a mom or dad. For real though, we chose it. So on those sleepless nights...yes we still have those and our kids at home are 3.5 and 1.5...we have to remember those will eventually end. So just be happy that you have kids to get up with, not everyone is able. Be happy that you get to be their comfort and that they want you. It is hard to remember that. And more for me now than ever, do I remember this. Not being able to be their comfort each night was tough. So, if one night Jo just can't sleep great in her room and she comes sneaking into my room-I will slide over and get woke up a million times from an elbow in my side, head, face. Or if Rae can't find her pacifier or blankie has fell out of bed, off I go(not always awake).

And, when I chose to be a mom I GET the joy of taking the kids to the grocery store! 

Is it easy? Not always. 

Is it fun? Barely(I don't like grocery shopping anyway). 

But, I don't want to waste the family time at night, so I go during the day, kids and all. Although this takes special planning around nap times, eating, etc. And I find it is easier as they get older. But, I have been the lady in the store with a screaming child. Yes, I left a full cart of groceries at the front and hauled a 2 year old under my arm and carseat hanging off the other. Then I get to the car and cry all the way home on the phone to Jess. This is motherhood. . . am I right? Can I get a amen!?! haha. Do you have any great grocery store stories? I would love to hear it! Makes me feel a little better. 

I guess this post has been on my mind for awhile. I feel like right now, at this point in my life, I could be miserable. Or I can turn it around not get totally freaked out our car is done for. That I will be car-less while Jess is at work and that means later nights for us to go see G-baby. Or our Envoy get 15 miles to the gallon and Jess has to drive to work and then we have to go to see Gat each night. Because, honestly last week when Jess's work car died. I was FLIPPING out! Heaven for bid one more thing happen. I tried to cry but couldn't it was just like I can't cry anymore, the tears wouldn't come. I was just like, "God help us out here, I'm spent physically, emotionally, and need help! We need you! How are we going to do it!? We can't buy a car right now, what if something happens to Gatlyn? Jess can't get there fast enough from Kalamazoo(where he is working right now)." 

I panicked. I freaked. I went into overdrive. All for about 10 minutes. Then I just put my hands up and gave it to the Big Guy. Yah I am still upset we have to buy another car eventually. But, that car has nothing but good to us! Then Jess got to work overtime. He is working more which couldn't have worked at a better time. I mean seriously, God's plans are so meticulously planned out. He is watching out for us daily, by the hour, by the minutes, by the second. He knows and there is where I end that. 

HE KNOWS.

The End. 

Getting it out there makes me feel better. Hopefully at least one person has felt this way and can understand where I am coming from. Then I rest easy knowing I have done what I wanna do!

COWBOY UPdate:

Gatlyn is doing AWESOME! He got his broviac put in on Tuesday and did really well. A broviac is a central line right into a main vessel and is tunneled under the skin to prevent infection. It should last a couple months or more...hopefully! prayer for that please!?? Thursday, the 22nd (o wow...I really need to get my Christmas shopping done!) he will be having his reconnection surgery! He only had to wait 6 weeks and 1 day. All the glory to God for it being that quick! He is wearing clothes now and weighing in at about 5 pounds! Big boy...I know!

This is the perfect quote for this post! 

"Do not spoil what you have by

desiring what you have not;

remember that what you have

now was once among the things

you only hoped for." 

-Greek philosopher, Epicurus

amazed.

I had to share the cuteness of my girlies and their weekend fun. I also forgot to tell you that JoJo and I went to see Gatlyn on Thanksgiving together. She put some Christmas window clings on his Isolate.

Now onto the little Cowboy that has my heart:)

I am sooooooo happy beyond anything you can imagine that I can say Gatlyn is doing GREAT! He is off the oscillator:) They decided this morning to just see if it would help. See, in my previous post I was saying that he was slowly going up on all his vent settings. Which was true but it wasn't helping with his CO2 settings. It is even weirder because on Sat. night I was asking the nurse if they would ever just try him on the other ventilator to see if it would help. And she didn't really know but it was highly unlikely. Then when I called this morning they were like he had a vent change. . . he is off the oscillator. I was like, WHAT? AWESOME! I was so stoked. I couldn't stop smiling:) 

So, all day today I was just cleaning away and doing laundry trying to make time fly so I could go see him. So we went tonight and OMG, it was the best feeling. I walked in after Jess and he goes, "Do you hear that?" I was like, "What?" and he goes, "exactly."

(The oscillator is really loud and it vibrates Gat Man too:()

He had 4 visitors tonight and was awake for like 45 minutes too!

I got a couple of cute pics of the little fella too!

Uncle Casey and Aunt Carrie

Lazy boy, that thing is there for him to push on and feel womb like. He decided it would serve better as a foot rest.

It is a really hard feeling to explain having Gatlyn in the NICU. But, I honestly feel so much joy with each little improvement he makes. My big sis gave me an article she found, about being a NICU mom. And when she sent it to me I was 20 weeks pregnant with my water broke at home on bed rest. I was just hoping to make it to 23 weeks. At that time I couldn't even think about Gat being here. I didn't want anybody to buy anything for a baby boy. And saying this now is so weird. I just didn't feel like I was going to be fortunate enough to have him here with us. Now, we have our baby boy and I can relate to that article. In which any mom of a healthy full term baby doesn't think about the first breath being a big deal (I was there with my girls, I didn't once think are they living?). And for a premie the first breath can be such a big deal. I cannot wait to be able to go and hold my baby when I want to have him in my arms. Seeing him awake tonight was bittersweet. He could hear our voices and knows my touch. I want him to know my arms and I how I can do the crazy mom bounce when he is upset. I want to do that for him. So for now, I will hold that pacifier in his mouth and rub his head until he is ready and able to be in my arms. I am so thankful that it was/is God's will for Gatlyn to be with us and get strong. This boy is changing me in more ways than one. And it is definitely all for the better. 

We sang an awesome some by Kutless in church today called Amazed. I am amazed at who He is. It is unexplainable how he can keep me together through everything and Gatlyn of course. He is amazing.

Romans 12:12

"Let your hope make you glad.

Be patient in time of trouble

& never stop praying."

weekend blitz

A night in the Schrock's on a Saturday is quite fun. I feel like these are some of the best times! I was feeling pretty crummy all afternoon, therefore I thought maybe going to see Gatlyn would do the trick to get me back on track. It was definitely what I needed:) He was doing pretty good tonight. His vent settings have been slowly rising which is not good though. Pretty sure he had a lot of edema in his little lungs-they are getting a good amount of crud out of his little lungs. I have some pictures to share with you from a good night of fun at the.

The night include movie and popcorn(which we didn't really watch the movie and made a mess with the popcorn). Then I decided it would be fun to make a yarn mess:) Which turned out to be just as fun as I thought it would be. 

I am in the works on another post as well. Hint Gatlyn is making HUGE improvements:)

tis a good one

Jess came home from seeing Gat Man today and all he said was, "He looked awesome!"

Made my night to see Jess confident in his progress. I can't wait to see him tomorrow:) It is getting harder to leave him each day and I always wanna go see him. We love that little fella more than he will ever understand. He never ceases to amaze me. 

Please pray for his little lungs to get back to work. I really want him on the other ventilator so I can hold him again. It was a crazy tease when I got to hold him last time(3 weeks ago). Can't wait to give him a squeeze and kiss him all over. 

Someday everything will

make perfect sense.

So, for now, laugh at the

confusion, smile through

the tears, and keep reminding 

yourself that everything 

happens for a reason.

surrender.hope.transformation

Surrender, Hope & Transformation= Contentment

Hope has been mind the last week and then when doing my devotional last night transformation was the title. I think having both of these on my mind is great. I have been very hopeful the past week. Although there are still so many things that can go wrong, I feel hopeful. I wasn't sure if I was just being naive and trying not to think about the negative. Then I read my devotional and everything seemed to come together in my head, why I was feeling this way. 

These are some verses that kind of sum it all up. 

First, it is putting all your anxiety/troubles/worries on the Big Guy.

Cast all your anxiety on HIM because HE cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert.

1 Peter 5:7-8

Then having the hope in Him. 

Then you will know that I am the LORD; those who hope in me will not be disappointed. 

Isaiah 49:23

Then to be transformed in multiple ways. I feel hope because my thinking has been transformed. Instead of consistently asking why-I have started to ask what. Not why is this happening to me, but, what are you trying to show/tell. My devotional is call Jesus Lives by Sarah Young. In it she writes from the what God tells her. At first that was hard for me to understand how she can write what God tells her.  And I got a little bit jealous in a way. For someone to be able to have the feeling that God is telling them what to do/write. I have only ever had the feeling one distinct time and I want that again! Amazing. All in the same respect, it is hard to think somebody can say God told me to write this. And, she writes from his viewpoint. I don't know if that makes sense but it does to me. Anyway, back to why I am typing this. I am going to type the part that just really struck home with me when I was reading.

"As the Holy Spirit controls your mind and actions more fully, you become free in Me. You are increasingly released to become the one I created you to be. 

Freedom through surrender sounds like a contradiction, doesn't it? Yet, when My Spirit is controlling your thinking and behavior, you feel more alive, more real, more content!"

I feel that my hope is coming from surrendering. I have to surrender my thoughts. Recognizing there is someone bigger than me that can help more than I can. Also, a lot easier to surrender when Cowboy is improving. I am totally not trying to act like I don't struggle and won't struggle. I know I will and still do. But, having this hope and surrendering like I have been is comforting. I feel content. 

COWBOY UPdate: He has consistently improved this week:) He was given lasix (water pill) to help with the swelling. And he has not been getting as much pain medication and has been tolerating that well. At his biggest he weighed 5lb 7oz and he is back down to 4lb 9oz. So we just keep hoping for some more weight loss. Weird right? Yah, he needs to lose all that fluid. And that means he will be a healthier baby. He needs to lose that fluid so there is not so much pressure on the brain and his little lungs. Please prayer for every little organ in his body to start doing what they need to do. 

When I went to see him last night I couldn't stop smiling. I walked in and was like I feel like I finally have my Gatlyn back. There are no words for the joy I felt sitting there with him last night. 

EVERY DAY MAY

NOT BE

GOOD...

BUT THERE IS

SOMETHING  

GOOD IN

EVERY DAY.

a look in the rearview mirror.

I was looking through the memory card from my phone and found some real treasures. So, you get to see them:)

-Enjoy-

this was saved as BRUCE. which means this is the picture I had for my cousin Bruce's # in my phone...haha

Holy Cow! Great friend Rach and me on the softball bus. Senior year (2007)

Kels & me in the Taurus!

umm....

baby bro chuggin on that root beer.

she's caught in the act.

Cousin Tuck pitching and baby bro batting.

my first child...Kenya RIP

young love

i found a lot of just her...

creepy

OMG so little!

RIP skiddle hopper and what was the other ones name?haha

fun times.

my sweet kenya. lol

what a hottie!

Nappy!!!

We used to have so much fun!

Add caption

3 of a Kind

Best Friends to the end.

I swear I am not on anything.

BRY.

Oh Mother!

I have a lot of picture to the day like this. I think I like what I see!haha

HA

haha sexy ladies!

my big bro!

My monkey baby-JoJo

Smiling doesn't always 
mean you're happy.
It simply means
you are a strong person.

rain first

Everyone wants HAPPINESS, no one wants PAIN.

But you can't make a RAINBOW, without a little RAIN.

Inspiration and truth.

There are always going to be those things in life that knock you down. Or cause you pain. Each of us have a different thing that causes us pain. The last three weeks have been the hardest weeks for me to date. It beats all the crazy little things I have let get to me in the past. I have said this before and I believe it more today. . . when it rains, it pours. 

Life sometimes gets you down, honestly though, you can't sit down there to long and feel bad for yourself. You gotta take it in and get it out. Especially when you put everything you have into what you do, your heart breaks each time. This is what I do on here, to you. Yes, this is a little bit of a downer post. I am going to list a few things that just plain suck right now. (for some reason I feel like suck is a swear word...i think my mother used to yell at me for saying it or something.lol) Anywho here is my sucky list.

Gatlyn is in the hospital

I feel like I have to make up for lost time with the girls.

Gas

my husband snoring next to me right now...uggghh

my sisters living a distance

that Rae hasn't been feeling the best

Andi gets upset when I leave to see Cowboy

I still have to pump...cowboy isn't even eating.

that i try to constantly give people the benefit of the doubt...even if they don't deserve it(right dad? nobody deserves anything)

that I can't fix everything

that i won't have my whole fambamily together until possibly March

seeing my baby in pain

Now on a positive note. Here is what I am thankful, happy about.

that gatlyn is here with us

I am with my girls and they are happy to be with me no matter how long I was out of comission

that i have faith

that I have a car

my husband is wonderful even if he snores.

Andi wants to be with me

I am able to give other children a source of nutrition (I donate my milk right now)

I tend to be forgiving

that God has a plan

I will get to be with my family in March(hopefully)

I can soothe my baby by singing horribly and holding a pacifier in his mouth for a hour:)

Notice how I was negative and then positive about each of the same things. I have no idea why I do this, but when I was typing out all the things I was mad about I would say the reason why it will help or why I should be thankful. I am strange...

Cowboy UPdate: 

Wee man is improving. He is very swollen, but, tonight he looked a teeny bit better than the night before. PTL!! He will be getting switched to a conventional ventilator soon. They are going to start weening him off his antibiotics soon as well! Hopefully the next couple weeks bring MAJOR improvement!




Put God first
and 
You'll never be last.

kisses for my cowboy

This week has been crazy to say the least, but it is 2 o'clock on Saturday afternoon and all I can think about it Christmas. This is how I am, I busy myself with everything that is NOT cleaning. I could blame this on the fact that I have a lot going on in my head. If I am perfectly honest though, it's not. I am almost positive I have some type of ADD. I cannot focus on one thing EVER, forget things frequently, and will not sit still. Oh yah, I am really good at finding an excuse at why I didn't/shouldn't do something. Why this little rant you ask? Well, I should be doing the dishes. Like it's REAL bad. In my head though, "everyone probably wants to know what is up with Gatlyn." (welcome to just a peek into my head...it's crazy get out while you can!)

Lately though I have had a constant Christmas list for everybody else going through my head. I have had a few people ask what Jess and I would like. I seriously have no idea. I am just honestly so thankful for everything I have right now. I am perfectly content with my life. Sure I feel like everyone always wants some clothes or shoes. When I have to think about what I really want it gets a little harder. I just really want my family all together once again. And after today it makes me want it even more. . .

Today I insisted that Jess and I take the girls to see our little Cowboy. Jess was very reluctant because the last time we took Rae she made it like .6 minutes (yes I mean POINT 6. like not even a minute). But, I had the idea in my head we were all going together and the girls WILL be stuck with us all day. My plans never really work out the way we want, so, we left at like 10:50. Which once we got almost to Alto I realized hmm...lunch is like in 45 min. SHOOT! It will be AWFUL if I take Rae in there hungry. So, I told Jess, "Sorry we gotta stop to BK and get these girls some food." He gave me a little crap. I just said, "Let me do this my way and it will work." He just sinked down in the seat. ((I was driving thankfully)) He then insisted I had this planned from the beginning. hmm...I was hungry so maybe subconsiously I was thinking this. WHO KNOWs... anywho. Get the girls there meal and insist they have to eat it all or else. Then Jess has to go to Gander Mountain (hunt, fish, camp). So we drop them off there and ran into Sam's to get some blank CDs. This all took 20 minutes. By the time we got to the hospital the girls were just finishing up their food, PERFECT timing. 

We wash up and go see our wee man. Poor fella, is just sooo swollen. But, Rae was AWESOME!! She was blowing kisses and whispering hi! Melted our hearts. She probably was in there 5 minutes. So Jess took her to the waiting room and I finished talking to the nurse. I heard Andi whispering, "Bye bye Gatlyn I love you." So, I said I take it your ready and she said yup. I said my I love yous and gave him a little finger hug/squeeze. Went to the waiting room with the girls so Jess could go back in. And we were there a total of 45 minutes. 

BEST 45 minutes to date. Have all of my kiddos together. I am sooo thankful. 

Another fun thing I went to see Gatlyn on Thursday and his nurse lifted the top of his bed so I could kiss on him. Man, everytime I see him I fall more in love. 

So, now I should really go do the dishes. Hope you all have a wonderful day.

Be who you are

and say what you feel

because 

those who mind 

don't matter

and 

those who matter 

don't mind.

onemonthandtoomuchgoingon

Alrighty, here we go. . . I am going to cut out some detail and make it shorter than it is.

Cowboy's health had been continually decreasing since last Friday. Tuesday I went and talked to a doctor and he informed me that Gat would need surgery in 4-6 weeks. They knew this by blood work and XRAYS. Then on Wednesday I got a call around 2pm from the doctor. He was letting me know that surgery will be happening sooner than we thought. I then talked to the surgeon on the phone, he said they wanted to do surgery as soon as they could (4pm). He proceeded to tell me why and what they would be doing. Gatlyn had to have a Exploratory surgery. They had to figure out what was going on with his belly. They were suspecting the NEC had killed part of his small intestines. And they were right, they went in and took out the dead intestine and left about 40 cm. Most premature babies have about 100 cm of small intestine, so they are guessing they took roughly 60 cm. He will have a temporary stoma for 6-8 weeks and after that they will do another surgery to reconnect his small intestines. There are many risk with everything that is going on. And a heck of a lot of information. But to be completely honest the more info I share, the more questions I get. So, I know this may sound harsh but, I don't want to be drilled. We know what we need to know and ask a lot of question each time we go.

Jess and I are holding up. It is hard and really unexplainable to have the feelings that we feel. Even when we talk to one another and try to explain how we feel, we can never can out exactly what we are feeling. But we know what we are feeling is the same. We are hurt, nervous, worried, scared, mad and sad all at once. Yet, nobody to really be mad. I know God has his hands all over our family, especially the fact yesterday(surgery day) everyone is in the right places. Jess happened to get rained off of work. Jesse's mom was like 1 minute away when Jess called to see if she could get the girls. And my mom and dad were home to meet us at the hospital. To be quite honest I was nervous about having my parents there. I didn't want my emotions getting in the way of listening and doing what I have to do. And I me and my mother both get pretty emotional. But Jess and I both said on the way home that we were glad they were there. And to have the girls go to Jesse's parents was perfect. JoJo being the girl she is, knew that something wasn't right and was having a hard time. His mom nanny's for a little boy and he is Andi's best friend. He took her mind off of everything. They love their grandparents. Rae was eating, therefore was as happy as can be. ha.

So now, we wait again. We pray that Cowboy starts to improve in the next few days. Because honestly, I am fed up with it and ready for him to be healthy. It doesn't seem right that my baby boy can go through more traumatic events in the first month of his life than I have in 22 years. Heartbreaking.

Oh yah, to top it all off. He was 1 month old yesterday. What a great first month for my poor boy.

All my love to my wee man and thanks to the Big Guy upstairs for getting us through.

family helps.

Geez, it is already another Monday. I missed my regular Sunday post.

Cowboy UPdate: Gatlyn is still the same. They are doing all they can to treat the infection, but, it is just watching and waiting. Which is extremely hard. I wish I had more to say than that. But, the surgeon sees him 2x a day and the doctors make their rounds daily. We just pray that this "gas pattern" he has moves through and that the infection in the wall of his intestines will miraculously go away. He is weighing in at 3 pounds 6 ounces. Hard to say how much of that is the fluids versus actual weight gain.

This is a hard time in our lives, and it would be twice as hard if it wasn't for our families. I want to dedicate this post to my family. From my husband to my both sets of parents. We could not do it without there constant support and help with the girls. They are awesome.

My sisters and I got to have a weekend together. It actually to be the weekend of Halloween. We had so much fun and it makes me want them closer even more! We laughed so hard the whole time we were together and I wish we could do it more. NOW, I am well aware if we were together all the time we would fight like when we were little. But, a good 20-45minute drive wouldn't be all that bad. Especially since my big sister lives 4 hours away:( I wish I would have taken pictures of the fun we had. Although a picture wouldn't do it justice. I miss Jamie and I laughing at Alexis' comments (when she thinks it makes sense and it doesn't). Or disagreeing on something until we have killed the topic. Or just the pure advice a sister can give. I love them and am grateful for them. Love you guys<3

I am really excited about my next post and I hope you are too! It has to do with food and trying to save money. I am currently working on it and will be up in a bit!

IT IS NOT HAPPY PEOPLE

WHO ARE THANKFUL,

IT IS THANKFUL PEOPLE

WHO ARE HAPPY.

eventful weekend

My sisters were both in town this past weekend. And honestly, they couldn't have had better timing. We all went to see Cowboy on Saturday, I haven't laughed that much in forever. And then me and the girls hung out with them at mom's house that night. Then Sunday all of us were in church with our girls. After church Jess and I went to the hospital to see the wee man. As you read in my previous post, Cowboy isn't feeling the best. Actually he is feeling the worst...and I will pick up from early Monday morning.

I got a phone call from the doctor that Cowboy would be put on a ventilator temporarily. The reason for this is that he can rest and hopefully heal. We also were told that this infection is very serious. So far he hasn't had to have surgery but there is the possibility that he may need it. He has NEC, read more about it when you click on the NEC. So, he has now been on 3 different types of ventilators and is currently on a oscillatory ventilator. There is a lot of information that it is just too much to type. He is on pain medication as well. Finally he is resting comfortably with the help of a couple blood transfusions as well.

On a positive note, Halloween was fun! JoJo loved getting dressed up as a lion. And Raebug was some what of a cupcake. She was just a very cute little girl:) We had a Halloween Feast at our house, having both sides of the family over while passing out candy. Then Jess and I took JoJo to the firebarn for the town party. Andi won the "Most Original". Honestly, it was really weird how they did it. They call out all the 3 and under contestants and walk them in a continuous circle. I didn't go out with her at first, her uncle Scott took her and his son out. It was crazy how they make them walk in a continuous circle and pull out like 5 kids. Here are some pics from our weekend.

lovin on stell bell

kisses

ROAR!

the bow is fabulous, but I couldn't get a good pic. 

this is the best i could get.

mountain lion?

Cousins minus cowboy

haha

stell the burrito getting more love

You never know

how STRONG you are

until being STRONG

is the only

choice you have.