excited.ready.waiting

I am super excited about my sisters joining Twenty Something Mama's! I only hope that the awesome relationship we have translate on here! We are so different which will make this great! 

I just wanted to give an update on Gatlyn. He was supposed to start feedings yesterday...but of course didn't:( But the surgeon seen him this morning and said surgically he is ready!!! Which is great-because oddly enough he wasn't yesterday. So, now it is up to the doctors. Respitory wise he is getting a little better each day. He has so much excess fluid that it puts too much pressure on his little lungs. But they have been getting a lot of mucus out them, which is good! He is an amazing little creature that Gatlyn. I am amazed by the work God has done already with him.

I was talking with J(Jamie) the other day on our way back from seeing Gatlyn. And as I was talking to her I couldn't believe everything that has happened with us. I seriously have had had like rose colored glasses on this whole time. I am going to credit that to my faith in the Big Guy. I have realized everything that we have went through has been serious but, always just like "Alright, how do we fix it? What's the next step?" Then yesterday while I was walking up I chatted with a woman who was on her way to the NICU.  I asked how she was doing and how long she had been there. She replied 33 days. Then she asked me how long we had been there. I had to stop and think...I didn't even know how many days. (is that good or bad?) I just said well he has been here since birth and he will be 3 months on the 9th. She was like, "Oh my 3 months? Why? When he was born?" I preceded to tell her. After I told her she had NEC. She looked at me with big eyes, "did he survive? well obviously he did but is he ok?"

When she asked did he survive I like mentally stopped. And since that I cannot stop thinking about how I have ALMOST/thought I lost my baby boy at least 3 different times. How for 8 weeks I was constantly thinking please just keep him in there. And when they would put the monitor on me thinking, "Please let there be a heartbeat." And that folks has put me in a weird state of mind. I don't think it is a bad state of mind. But, I just am realizing that I am lucky to have my faith that has kept me so focused on the end result. 

Stay in bed and you will get to have your baby boy, maybe. He has NEC, what do we do to fix it? Surgery, how serious is it? Will he make it through? What do we do after surgery? Another PICC line go bad? What is the next step so he doesn't have to be poked daily? Broviac? Bring it on. Another Surgery? Will it take as long to recover as last time? When will we be able to hold him again? 

I can't wait until I get to hold him again. Seeing your baby you were holding last week just lay there and look at you with those eyes. It makes me tear up, because as a mom all I wanna do is hold him. Let him know that I would do it for him if I could. I would take his pain away. I want to keep his pacifier in when he needs it. Clean his mouth off when it gets nasty and wet his lips when they get dry and he can't. 

I know any mother would feel the same way. I just can't wait for the day when I get to hold him again and then I will feel like I have my baby back.

life in the fast lane

This has been a really hard weekend to say the least. Not only because we have had to juggle the crazy holiday weekend but Gatlyn has been recovering from his big surgery. I have been in just a kind of daze this weekend. I have had a lot of fun but, also in the back of my head I has these negative thoughts brewing. I am exhausted and tired. Emotionally and physically. I feel like the last week has been a blur, like I have been walking around with my eyes half open. With seeing so much family we got a lot of questions about Gatlyn and how we are doing. It was frustrating only in the fact that I could just say he is doing ok. I couldn't say he was doing good, great or wonderful. Because he simply is not. Hopefully we are on the other side of the after affects of surgery. But as soon as I think we are, we aren't... 

I would do this a hundred times over if I could. 

I struggle right now to go up and see him, because it is just frustrating. I want him to get better, like NOW. I don't need anybody to tell me it will come with time. I am sick of waiting-I am sick of running to GR(well driving) everyday-he should be at home with us. He should have had his first Christmas at home with us. I won't say it's not fair, because life is never fair (right mom?). It SUCKS! These are the cards we were dealt and we gotta play 'em. 

So what is exactly going on with him you ask? Well, it is now 5 days post op and things are just possibly turning the corner. Although I haven't called to see how he is tonight. He got put on a Jet Vent. Which means more pressure do to the fact his lungs aren't expanding well. He keeps jumping up and down on his settings(how much pressure, oxygen, etc). Then he had a blood culture drawn due to his belly being red-they wanted to get on top of it to make sure it wasn't an infection, so they started antibiotics. Thank the Big Guy upstairs nothing has grown yet... So we continue to wait for him to heal from this surgery so we can start the journey of possibly going home at some point. It will be a long road that is for sure. 

On a way brighter note-Christmas was a lot of fun for our girls. I cannot believe how much stuff they received. Needless to say I gotta take some toys out to bring some in. I started working on that tonight. Jess wants me to save them for a garage sale and put them in the garage. I don't wanna deal with them anymore. I am sure he will win that battle. 

I received a great pair of earring from jess. It was a thoughtful gift and I love them! It makes it way more special when you can tell they really thought it through, am I right? 

Santa got the girls a dollhouse and a shovel. (Yes, I will need help shoveling if it snows.) Then we got Andi Connect 4 and Rae got a toy piggy bank that counts. We don't do a lot of gifts. That isn't what it is about and plus there, Grandma's do a great job at spoiling them rotten. Gatlyn will be getting a new car seat for Christmas:) Jess doesn't really thing the brown with polka dots will be boyish enough for the lil fella. 

I hope that you all had a wonderful Christmas:)

I picked this little diddy out b/c I'm not sorry about being upset. haha

big day

Today was the big day for surgery for out baby boy:) He did a great job.

The whole time he was away from us was about 3.5 hours. It amazes me more each day what they can do for just a 5 pound baby. They took down his ostomy and reconnected his small intestines. They also took his appendix out, they said they are a pain anyway. The had to cut them to make sure his small intestine wouldn't leak. So then they just took it all out. I am so thankful that we have now made it passed this nastiness of NEC. Now in 5-7days they will start feedings again. It will for sure be a slow road and I am going to need to be very, very, very patient and I feel like these are going to be the hardest. 

Personally it is getting harder now that this weekend is Christmas. It just sucks that he will be in the hospital instead of home with us. So needless to say I will be later to everything more than usual because I am struggling with wanting to be with Gat and the girls and so on. 

Jess and I were driving today and he said, "you are kinda like a time bomb.."

I was like, "ok..."

"You're gonna fly off the handle or just have a emotional break down."

I guess that explains it. 

Also I am excited about some changes that are going to be happening on my blog! I can't wait to share soon!

do the best you can, 

where you are, 

with what you have, 

NOW

being humbled.

Although every thing with Gatlyn seems to be doing great we are still consistently struggling. It is great that he is not sick anymore, but, we still don't have him at home. He is actually going to surgery on Thursday to reconnect his small intestines. It is amazing how God is still teaching me even though I feel like everything is going ok. And last night on my drive in to see Cowboy I just kept thinking of the word humbled. 

I have been humbled more and more each day.

Because as Jo said in her prayer the other day, "I can't do this on my own." 

I can't do this without God, Jess, Mom, Cathy, Dad, Ladean, supportive sisters (in laws and blood), great family & church family and wonderful friends.

Not only is it me needing help and having to ask for it. But it is accepting help in any way, shape, or form. I sometimes let my pride get in the way of letting people help us. We do need help sometimes and I am finally getting to the point where I can ask or at least accept it. 

This also translate in different ways.

Be a humble receiver of gifts, award winner, person of honor. When somebody gives you something; award, honor, gift you don't scream and shout how you wanted it all along. Of course secretly we all want 1st place or a certain Christmas gift. But, its not right to throw your hands up and throw it in everybody else's faces. Am I right? Do you get what I am saying?

This Christmas I hope that you can be humble. Don't expect a certain gift or anything. Be grateful for what you have and get. Be a modest receiver. Doesn't it feel better when you give somebody a gift and they are surprised, touched or speechless. 

I hope this messages find you all well, healthy, and ready for a crazy weekend:)

-a3Peace & Love-

the tears don't roll anymore

The topic has of complaining has been on my mind a lot lately. I am really nervous about writing about it though. I mean I don't want anyone to get offended, so don't, ok, disclaimer done!haha

Pretty sure complaining has been on my mind because I find myself doing it. I don't want to, I have NOTHING to complain about. No matter how much I want to. . . I refuse and I won't! Life is too short to be unhappy all the time. I don't want to feel blah or wishing something was better than it is. I gotta live in the moment. I think in all reality though that is just hard to hear people complain about their life. Wishing something was different whether it be a job, husband, kids, just life. Once that wish was granted we would find something else to complain about. . .right? 

Example: Jess and I chose to have 3 children. Do we really have the right to complain about being a mom or dad. For real though, we chose it. So on those sleepless nights...yes we still have those and our kids at home are 3.5 and 1.5...we have to remember those will eventually end. So just be happy that you have kids to get up with, not everyone is able. Be happy that you get to be their comfort and that they want you. It is hard to remember that. And more for me now than ever, do I remember this. Not being able to be their comfort each night was tough. So, if one night Jo just can't sleep great in her room and she comes sneaking into my room-I will slide over and get woke up a million times from an elbow in my side, head, face. Or if Rae can't find her pacifier or blankie has fell out of bed, off I go(not always awake).

And, when I chose to be a mom I GET the joy of taking the kids to the grocery store! 

Is it easy? Not always. 

Is it fun? Barely(I don't like grocery shopping anyway). 

But, I don't want to waste the family time at night, so I go during the day, kids and all. Although this takes special planning around nap times, eating, etc. And I find it is easier as they get older. But, I have been the lady in the store with a screaming child. Yes, I left a full cart of groceries at the front and hauled a 2 year old under my arm and carseat hanging off the other. Then I get to the car and cry all the way home on the phone to Jess. This is motherhood. . . am I right? Can I get a amen!?! haha. Do you have any great grocery store stories? I would love to hear it! Makes me feel a little better. 

I guess this post has been on my mind for awhile. I feel like right now, at this point in my life, I could be miserable. Or I can turn it around not get totally freaked out our car is done for. That I will be car-less while Jess is at work and that means later nights for us to go see G-baby. Or our Envoy get 15 miles to the gallon and Jess has to drive to work and then we have to go to see Gat each night. Because, honestly last week when Jess's work car died. I was FLIPPING out! Heaven for bid one more thing happen. I tried to cry but couldn't it was just like I can't cry anymore, the tears wouldn't come. I was just like, "God help us out here, I'm spent physically, emotionally, and need help! We need you! How are we going to do it!? We can't buy a car right now, what if something happens to Gatlyn? Jess can't get there fast enough from Kalamazoo(where he is working right now)." 

I panicked. I freaked. I went into overdrive. All for about 10 minutes. Then I just put my hands up and gave it to the Big Guy. Yah I am still upset we have to buy another car eventually. But, that car has nothing but good to us! Then Jess got to work overtime. He is working more which couldn't have worked at a better time. I mean seriously, God's plans are so meticulously planned out. He is watching out for us daily, by the hour, by the minutes, by the second. He knows and there is where I end that. 

HE KNOWS.

The End. 

Getting it out there makes me feel better. Hopefully at least one person has felt this way and can understand where I am coming from. Then I rest easy knowing I have done what I wanna do!

COWBOY UPdate:

Gatlyn is doing AWESOME! He got his broviac put in on Tuesday and did really well. A broviac is a central line right into a main vessel and is tunneled under the skin to prevent infection. It should last a couple months or more...hopefully! prayer for that please!?? Thursday, the 22nd (o wow...I really need to get my Christmas shopping done!) he will be having his reconnection surgery! He only had to wait 6 weeks and 1 day. All the glory to God for it being that quick! He is wearing clothes now and weighing in at about 5 pounds! Big boy...I know!

This is the perfect quote for this post! 

"Do not spoil what you have by

desiring what you have not;

remember that what you have

now was once among the things

you only hoped for." 

-Greek philosopher, Epicurus

life from 38 inches

JoJo's style is unique:) Brown tights(not leggings) a little belly shirt and sweater. bed head and brown make up.

I found tons of pics where she was just sitting in a chair snapping different shots. And no I didn't know she had the camera.

She was proud of the slickers she put on. 

With love from JoJo

COWBOY UPdate: Gatlyn is on CPAP. Which means he is not on a ventilator at all anymore:):):):):):):):):) God is good, GOD is GREAT!!!

NO ONE else will ever know

the STRENGTH of  my LOVE 

FOR YOU. After all, you're

THE ONLY ONE who knows what 

my HEART sounds like from the inside. 

amazed.

I had to share the cuteness of my girlies and their weekend fun. I also forgot to tell you that JoJo and I went to see Gatlyn on Thanksgiving together. She put some Christmas window clings on his Isolate.

Now onto the little Cowboy that has my heart:)

I am sooooooo happy beyond anything you can imagine that I can say Gatlyn is doing GREAT! He is off the oscillator:) They decided this morning to just see if it would help. See, in my previous post I was saying that he was slowly going up on all his vent settings. Which was true but it wasn't helping with his CO2 settings. It is even weirder because on Sat. night I was asking the nurse if they would ever just try him on the other ventilator to see if it would help. And she didn't really know but it was highly unlikely. Then when I called this morning they were like he had a vent change. . . he is off the oscillator. I was like, WHAT? AWESOME! I was so stoked. I couldn't stop smiling:) 

So, all day today I was just cleaning away and doing laundry trying to make time fly so I could go see him. So we went tonight and OMG, it was the best feeling. I walked in after Jess and he goes, "Do you hear that?" I was like, "What?" and he goes, "exactly."

(The oscillator is really loud and it vibrates Gat Man too:()

He had 4 visitors tonight and was awake for like 45 minutes too!

I got a couple of cute pics of the little fella too!

Uncle Casey and Aunt Carrie

Lazy boy, that thing is there for him to push on and feel womb like. He decided it would serve better as a foot rest.

It is a really hard feeling to explain having Gatlyn in the NICU. But, I honestly feel so much joy with each little improvement he makes. My big sis gave me an article she found, about being a NICU mom. And when she sent it to me I was 20 weeks pregnant with my water broke at home on bed rest. I was just hoping to make it to 23 weeks. At that time I couldn't even think about Gat being here. I didn't want anybody to buy anything for a baby boy. And saying this now is so weird. I just didn't feel like I was going to be fortunate enough to have him here with us. Now, we have our baby boy and I can relate to that article. In which any mom of a healthy full term baby doesn't think about the first breath being a big deal (I was there with my girls, I didn't once think are they living?). And for a premie the first breath can be such a big deal. I cannot wait to be able to go and hold my baby when I want to have him in my arms. Seeing him awake tonight was bittersweet. He could hear our voices and knows my touch. I want him to know my arms and I how I can do the crazy mom bounce when he is upset. I want to do that for him. So for now, I will hold that pacifier in his mouth and rub his head until he is ready and able to be in my arms. I am so thankful that it was/is God's will for Gatlyn to be with us and get strong. This boy is changing me in more ways than one. And it is definitely all for the better. 

We sang an awesome some by Kutless in church today called Amazed. I am amazed at who He is. It is unexplainable how he can keep me together through everything and Gatlyn of course. He is amazing.

Romans 12:12

"Let your hope make you glad.

Be patient in time of trouble

& never stop praying."

tis a good one

Jess came home from seeing Gat Man today and all he said was, "He looked awesome!"

Made my night to see Jess confident in his progress. I can't wait to see him tomorrow:) It is getting harder to leave him each day and I always wanna go see him. We love that little fella more than he will ever understand. He never ceases to amaze me. 

Please pray for his little lungs to get back to work. I really want him on the other ventilator so I can hold him again. It was a crazy tease when I got to hold him last time(3 weeks ago). Can't wait to give him a squeeze and kiss him all over. 

Someday everything will

make perfect sense.

So, for now, laugh at the

confusion, smile through

the tears, and keep reminding 

yourself that everything 

happens for a reason.

surrender.hope.transformation

Surrender, Hope & Transformation= Contentment

Hope has been mind the last week and then when doing my devotional last night transformation was the title. I think having both of these on my mind is great. I have been very hopeful the past week. Although there are still so many things that can go wrong, I feel hopeful. I wasn't sure if I was just being naive and trying not to think about the negative. Then I read my devotional and everything seemed to come together in my head, why I was feeling this way. 

These are some verses that kind of sum it all up. 

First, it is putting all your anxiety/troubles/worries on the Big Guy.

Cast all your anxiety on HIM because HE cares for you. Be self-controlled and alert.

1 Peter 5:7-8

Then having the hope in Him. 

Then you will know that I am the LORD; those who hope in me will not be disappointed. 

Isaiah 49:23

Then to be transformed in multiple ways. I feel hope because my thinking has been transformed. Instead of consistently asking why-I have started to ask what. Not why is this happening to me, but, what are you trying to show/tell. My devotional is call Jesus Lives by Sarah Young. In it she writes from the what God tells her. At first that was hard for me to understand how she can write what God tells her.  And I got a little bit jealous in a way. For someone to be able to have the feeling that God is telling them what to do/write. I have only ever had the feeling one distinct time and I want that again! Amazing. All in the same respect, it is hard to think somebody can say God told me to write this. And, she writes from his viewpoint. I don't know if that makes sense but it does to me. Anyway, back to why I am typing this. I am going to type the part that just really struck home with me when I was reading.

"As the Holy Spirit controls your mind and actions more fully, you become free in Me. You are increasingly released to become the one I created you to be. 

Freedom through surrender sounds like a contradiction, doesn't it? Yet, when My Spirit is controlling your thinking and behavior, you feel more alive, more real, more content!"

I feel that my hope is coming from surrendering. I have to surrender my thoughts. Recognizing there is someone bigger than me that can help more than I can. Also, a lot easier to surrender when Cowboy is improving. I am totally not trying to act like I don't struggle and won't struggle. I know I will and still do. But, having this hope and surrendering like I have been is comforting. I feel content. 

COWBOY UPdate: He has consistently improved this week:) He was given lasix (water pill) to help with the swelling. And he has not been getting as much pain medication and has been tolerating that well. At his biggest he weighed 5lb 7oz and he is back down to 4lb 9oz. So we just keep hoping for some more weight loss. Weird right? Yah, he needs to lose all that fluid. And that means he will be a healthier baby. He needs to lose that fluid so there is not so much pressure on the brain and his little lungs. Please prayer for every little organ in his body to start doing what they need to do. 

When I went to see him last night I couldn't stop smiling. I walked in and was like I feel like I finally have my Gatlyn back. There are no words for the joy I felt sitting there with him last night. 

EVERY DAY MAY

NOT BE

GOOD...

BUT THERE IS

SOMETHING  

GOOD IN

EVERY DAY.

mama's cookin' again

Tonight's Menu was a quick decision. Being that hubster hasn't really had to cook anything for a month our fridge/freezer are lacking in a few areas. I took a look around the kitchen and seen potatoes and no protein. I knew potato soup was gonna be on the menu. Now I had to find a different recipe than I usually use. So of course where else to go than Pinterest. I needed a QUICK, baconless soup. (The recipe I usually use take like 4 hours. I had one hour.) After looking at a few different recipes I went with this one. It actually is a toddler soup. So would be great if your kids like potatoes and cheese:) Unfortunately my girls are not potato lovers. They opted for Mac N' Cheese. Hubster said that he would like his less pureed next time but loved the flavor and stuff. He put topped his with goldfish crackers. Which toddlers would love the fish in their soup! Then also I remembered seeing a 30 minute roll on Pinterest as well. So I looked that up and whipped up real quick. You can find the recipe here.

This meal literally took me a hour. That includes prep all the way to clean up and a 3 year old helper. Which for some reason always means more clean up. But, I want her to learn to cook and like being in the kitchen! Hope you try these out and enjoy them as much as Jess did.

Everything you say 

to your child is

absorbed 

catalogued 

and

remembered.

another week has passed

Another week has passed. Which now brings the grand total of 7 weeks on bed rest for this lady. And hoping for another 7. . .

October 2nd also means I have been back in the hospital for a month. 

Doctor says she will feel A LOT better once we get to 28 weeks. As will I.

New room change this week. I am now in the "Penthouse" and am a "Queen Bee". Which basically means you are now one of the patients who have been here the longest, so, you get the room with a 2 sets of windows and some more room. The lady prior to me I was told, had been here a while too. So I took some pics of my new pad.

Wanna see my "Penthouse"?

My board. Obviously I took this pic a couple days ago. Filled with pics of my girlies and one of the little fella. This also is our Sequence board. See top right... hubs is a little harsh, MaLoser. . . for reals?

Fridge packed with plenty of Dr. P and other snacks.

Snack Attack! and yes that is a giant pumpkin filled with all different kids of M&Ms.

Yum...I love me some carbs and cake. FYI I don't use all that butter!

flowers courtesy of bullings

creeper...

The Art Studio:)

The Penthouse

flowers courtesy of brenda and pumpkin: amanda

The daily routine: devotional, bible, journal

hanging out in the children's center.

She doesn't stop moving!

Within reach of my bed:)

The usual lunch.

twice a day chocolate torte

Home is where your family is. . . I think mine needs to come move in with me:)

a look into my "normal"

I was telling my cousin yesterday and then my grandpa and other cousin today about how I feel like me being here is starting to feel "normal". I am worried about that. . . not enough to stress over it. I just feel like me being in the hospital is starting to feel way too normal. I am getting into a routine which is great-at the same time I am not wanting this to be normal. I know, I know, this is a stage, not for long, this will seem like just a phase in the big picture. Guess what folks, I am not always going to think of it that way. But, I usually do. A good rant/vent here there is tolerated.

On a slightly funny note. I was told I need to peddle myself around more and sit in the chair/couch for awhile each day. I have now experienced why they say this. I peddled myself down to the lobby to meet Jess, the girls, and sister(Kelsey). I was doing pretty good, after we sat for awhile eating, and I took JoJo to the bathroom. I started to feel really queasy and was sweating that I was playing basketball. I had to go to the bathroom(where they have a Dr. table thingy) and lay down. After 5 minutes I started to feel better but had to go back to my room. I had another little episode on the way up. After checking my vitals, everything was fine. The Dr. came in and told me I was unconditioned. Basically I am out of shape and need to get it together. lol-so this week I came to the realization that I will not be the usual "bounce back quick" Mallorie.  I am pretty much gonna struggle to get back into things. You all know that this is going to be hard for me. So, needless to say I was up and around(as in the wheelchair) a lot yesterday and am going for a stroll later. Gotta get it together.

Sorry that was so long!

Courtesy of a family friend, Dona, I received 6 skeins of yarn. 4 of which were this awesome color and texture. Raebug found it in my bag-o-yarn and was walking around with it against her cheek. I said, "That is for her blanket now". I am excited to show you and more excited for her to see it.

Finished Product

Pinks, Purples & Orange

The pattern was actually pretty cool. I worked from the middle and worked out from there. Which eliminates the whole uneven factor that usually pops up. This is a real chunky yarn & I can't wait to do more stuff with chunky yarn! It was a new fun project. Thanks Dona for the materials. Raelin was into for about as long as a 16 month old can be. That's ok though. I also whipped up another hat for Andi, upon her request. It didn't turn out that great. So mom is going to wash it and see if it is just the yarn got stretched out. 

Read Romans 12 yesterday and it was great. I encourage you to take a peek at it. 

Smile a lot today:)

182 days

182 days also known as 26 weeks.

Yes sir, we made it yet another week. this makes it 6 weeks/48 days on bed rest.

Which leads me to the count down 8 weeks left. If you are calculating it, yes, that means next week(27 weeks) we will be half way to having Gatlyn here.

Playing outside:) this was a couple weeks ago.

Smarties for my Smarty Pants girls.

 

newest crochet project that I finished.

Trying to take a good pic... this is the one she told me to put on my blog. 

SEE YA!

Keeps me semi-sane!

And the projects I will be working on this week will be. Creating Ruthie a cute hat as well as Gatlyn. Mom and I are going to make a crochet blanket/quilt thing. We will both be making squares and then we will hook them all together. I am excited mom is starting to crochet! I will be finishing up my present for hubster as well.

Baby brother's 19th birthday is today! I will tell you a little about baby bro: he is a lover, caring and fun to be around(most of the time). Baby bro aka Owen and I have always been super close. I would be the one to calm him down if he was upset and stick up for him no matter what. He is the best uncle ever too, he would do anything for his nieces. He has came up and seen me a few times and even took me home the first time I got to leave the hospital. I would do anything for him and I am sure he is the same.  He has always brought pizza over and hung out with Jess and me before the kids. Side note he always buys the biggest presents. Practically everything he gets the girls has to be put in the garage. Not that the presents matter but I think he thinks size matters;) Happy Birthday baby brother.

Also as you can see from this pic... he is a lot taller than all of us women.

Jamie, Owen, Alexis and Mama Schrock

Just so you know I am the tallest sister, I think Jamie must be on a rock.