excited.ready.waiting

I am super excited about my sisters joining Twenty Something Mama's! I only hope that the awesome relationship we have translate on here! We are so different which will make this great! 

I just wanted to give an update on Gatlyn. He was supposed to start feedings yesterday...but of course didn't:( But the surgeon seen him this morning and said surgically he is ready!!! Which is great-because oddly enough he wasn't yesterday. So, now it is up to the doctors. Respitory wise he is getting a little better each day. He has so much excess fluid that it puts too much pressure on his little lungs. But they have been getting a lot of mucus out them, which is good! He is an amazing little creature that Gatlyn. I am amazed by the work God has done already with him.

I was talking with J(Jamie) the other day on our way back from seeing Gatlyn. And as I was talking to her I couldn't believe everything that has happened with us. I seriously have had had like rose colored glasses on this whole time. I am going to credit that to my faith in the Big Guy. I have realized everything that we have went through has been serious but, always just like "Alright, how do we fix it? What's the next step?" Then yesterday while I was walking up I chatted with a woman who was on her way to the NICU.  I asked how she was doing and how long she had been there. She replied 33 days. Then she asked me how long we had been there. I had to stop and think...I didn't even know how many days. (is that good or bad?) I just said well he has been here since birth and he will be 3 months on the 9th. She was like, "Oh my 3 months? Why? When he was born?" I preceded to tell her. After I told her she had NEC. She looked at me with big eyes, "did he survive? well obviously he did but is he ok?"

When she asked did he survive I like mentally stopped. And since that I cannot stop thinking about how I have ALMOST/thought I lost my baby boy at least 3 different times. How for 8 weeks I was constantly thinking please just keep him in there. And when they would put the monitor on me thinking, "Please let there be a heartbeat." And that folks has put me in a weird state of mind. I don't think it is a bad state of mind. But, I just am realizing that I am lucky to have my faith that has kept me so focused on the end result. 

Stay in bed and you will get to have your baby boy, maybe. He has NEC, what do we do to fix it? Surgery, how serious is it? Will he make it through? What do we do after surgery? Another PICC line go bad? What is the next step so he doesn't have to be poked daily? Broviac? Bring it on. Another Surgery? Will it take as long to recover as last time? When will we be able to hold him again? 

I can't wait until I get to hold him again. Seeing your baby you were holding last week just lay there and look at you with those eyes. It makes me tear up, because as a mom all I wanna do is hold him. Let him know that I would do it for him if I could. I would take his pain away. I want to keep his pacifier in when he needs it. Clean his mouth off when it gets nasty and wet his lips when they get dry and he can't. 

I know any mother would feel the same way. I just can't wait for the day when I get to hold him again and then I will feel like I have my baby back.