Saturday, September 15, 2012

Confessions of a Single Mamma: Dating

Dating. What I have found to be the most challenging, scariest, and hardest part so far in my journey of being a single mom. 

I swear to you all it is like a roller coaster ride of emotions and feelings. One day totally against the idea and the next wanting it. Harder in the beginning more so then currently I will say. So many thoughts run through my head. 

Am I ready? 
How can I leave Ruthie for a date when I'm all she's got? 
What guy is going to want a kid that isn't his? 
How do I go about introducing Ruthie to someone? 
What if that he sucks with kids? 
What if I get hurt again? 
What guy is going to want the body of a girl, post-baby? 
What kind of guy would be okay with my past? 
How could I trust someone again? 
What if Ruthie doens't like him? 
All guys are the same, so why bother? 

And like I said in my previous post, it's easier being just Ruthie & I, we are able to avoid all of those worries up there. This is probably 1/4 of the craziness I had going through my head for a couple months. But to sum it all up in one corny word. I was simply scared. 

So back in June I thought to myself okay I think I am ready. I had gotten asked out on some dates previously but turned them all down, so I told myself to keep my mind open about the idea next time. Well a week later I hear from an old friend and he asks me if I'd like catch up. I decided to go, freaking out the day of and afraid that I forgot how to socialize with someone other then a 1 year old. I went and had a GREAT time, he was true gent the whole date, and everything came so easy talking to him.  After that we hung out a few more times and then what do I do? I freak out . . . go me. The feelings above all came rushing back and the guilt of leaving Ruthie hit me like a brick wall. For goodness sakes I freaked out about some flowers he left me, the first thought I had run through my mind was "what does he want?" My sisters checked me and said "orrr maybe he just wanted to let you know he's thinking about you?" I decided I wasn't ready, clearly I don't know how to handle those emotions yet and I needed to figure that out before I could continue. So I told him I thought I was ready to start dating again but I am not and I need a little more time to get things sorted out. Like the kind fellow he is he responded "I totally understand, just promise you'll let me know when your ready, whenever it is." 

After that I began to think about all those crazy worries and thoughts & tried to turn each of them from worries to statements. 

I'll know when I'm ready. 
Don't feel guilty for taking time for yourself. 
Any guy who wouldn't want the cutest kid ever is crazy. 
I'll know when its time to introduce Ruth. 
All guys are awkward with kids at some point. 
Not every guy hurts girls. 
What guy wouldn't want the kick ass personality that comes with this post-baby body? 
A good guy will understand my past.  
Trust is something you can build.  
Who doesn't Ruthie like? 
All guys are the same, so why bother? ...... but some could be different.

August 15th was the finalization of the divorce. That day I felt a rush of closure, it felt so good. I think I will probably remember that day for the rest of my life, because I can remember on my ride home thinking of everything I have been through and where I am now. I thought of how I got there and where I have been and I thought of where I never ever wanted to go again. That day my thoughts became a little clearer, paths and boundaries became easy for me to establish. That day I started to feel in control again. It was the best. feeling. ever. 

I knew then that I was ready, but I had only talked to the June guy like once or twice during that time so I wasn't sure what to think and slightly embarrassed of my previous freak out so I didn't contact him. However coincidence or not that weekend I was in South Haven sitting at the table doing a puzzle and I look down at my phone to see "HI :)" . . . . from June guy. 

Since then we have been talking, dates, & hanging out, and things are going super well. He is a true gentlemen and makes me smile on the daily. Taking things really slow we are building a great relationship. I do find myself still struggling with sometimes being on reserve when the fears creep back in but I know that is okay.  

I came across this from a blog that I read . . . Its a great quote for anyone going through any type of struggle or running away from anything in their past, I look at it everyday. 

"Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky, but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when are brave enough to explore the darkness will discover the infinite power of our light."
~Bené Brown

I can't believe at one point in my life I didn't want anything to do with love, belonging, or joy. 

No comments:

Post a Comment

Thanks for reading, we love feedback!