Confessions of a Single Mama: Role Models

Its crazy to think that it has almost been a year since I became a single mama (it was in February, but close enough). 2012 was a rough/crazy/tough year to say the least, so 2013 is welcomed with HUGE open arms. As I think back to the events of last year I think about how I was feeling at that time and one word describes it all, struggling. 

I was struggling with being in an unhealthy environment and relationship and with that came the struggle of handling the pressure to remain in that relationship. What I mean by that is, I was struggling to find the courage to get myself & Ruthie out of that situation. I was struggling with the idea of what people would say about me and if they would believe me, I was struggling with the idea of what my family would think of me, I was struggling with the fact that Ruthie would not have a father 24/7, I was struggling with the fact that Ruthie would not have her biological family together ever again, I was struggling with my self esteem and self confidence, I was struggling with well..... I think you get the point.

As I look back now I ask myself, "How and where did I find the courage to get out?" I can honestly 100% say that I know if came from the male role model in my life, my Dad. Some people would question this and say it was probably the female role model in your life. While that most likely played a role too I think this is true; in a girl's life the female role model in their life teaches them what they should expect out of a man and the male role model teaches them what they deserve.

Growing up and still to this day, my Dad taught us girls how a man should treat a woman. Whether that may be his mom, his Grandma, his sister, his daughter, his girlfriend, or his wife. He did this in many ways but mainly by example. He treats my mother like a queen and his daughters like princesses and that is no exaggeration.

A male role model plays a larger role then just showing how a man should treat a woman but also just in general showing his daughters what makes a man, a man. My dad exemplifies that a man provides, protects, respects, supports, and is faithful to his family.

I am thankful for my Dad and the example he plays in my life. Because of him I was able to recognize that the situation I was in was wrong and was nothing what I deserved.

This large thought process, self reflection, or whatever you want to call it came to me when I was thinking about and talking to Jamie about why girls stay in abusive relationships? Why do girls stay with guys that don't treat them like they deserve? Like I said above I really think it stems from the lack of a positive male role model in their life. I know this may not be the case in all situations. 

I am glad that I found the courage to remove Ruth and I. Sometimes I think about what if I stayed and "toughed" it out so Ruthie could have her family? The same answer results every time; the cycle would have continued. Ruthie would have grown up thinking, that is a way a man should treat a woman and a woman is supposed to just deal with it, and so on with her children and their children.

I think a positive consistent male role model in a little girls life is so important. Whether that be a Dad, a Grandpa, a boyfriend, or an Uncle. I remember thinking at one point that Ruth & I would never need another man in our life again. But as you can see I am realizing we do and I am thankful that Ruth as two of those, Ba (my dad) & Maa (Matt). Men....can't live with em', can't live without em'. ;)

I hope this reached out not only to our female readers but also our male readers! :)

xoxo - Alexis

Confessions of A Single Mama: Double Mama Drama

Well I am sorry to say I might have lied to you here when I told you dating might be the hardest thing about being single mom. That's turned out to be pretty easy compared to the thought of your kid having somewhat of a second mom. Now that feeling S.U.C.K.S.

About a month after we separated (I'm really not 100% sure on the time frame) Ruthie's Dad told me that he had a girlfriend. The thought of him being in a relationship already did not surprise me and didn't upset me personally at all however the thought of Ruthie being around another woman besides me in a mother/daughter atmosphere made me absolutely sick to my stomach. I hated thinking that Ruthie might think of someone other then me as her mom or that if they were all out in public someone might think Ruthie was hers...I mean obviously she gets her good looks from me right? ;) Anyway, there are a lot of struggles that come with this and my first reaction was not allowing them to see each other at all. I did not want said girlfriend around her and I told Ruthie's dad that they were not to see each other unless the relationship was serious. Honestly I think I just needed some time to cope with the fact that Ruthie may have a second mom and I was convinced the relationship was a short term thing. That's another thing I was worried about, I didn't want Roo to have a life of people in and out, so I wanted her dad to figure out if this was actually something serious.

Well it took me awhile to get over this, but eventually I realized whether I like it or not, someday I am eventually going to have to deal with it and get over this, I got myself in this situation. So I told myself to get over it an stop being such a stubborn biotch. Well that was done and turned out to be somewhat easy, but then soon after that came the question of, "Can said girlfriend pick her up for me and keep her for a couple hours until I get out of work?" "WHAT ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME, HELL NO!!"...is what went through my head and possibly out loud. No way was I going to let someone I hardly even knew take my daughter alone and take care of her. If her dad couldn't pick her up then that is on him, not me.

Well then of course, I took my time to deal with it and looked at the reality of it. Someday I will have to accept that this will probably happen on both my end and his. My guilty conscience kicked in too. Ruthie goes to her dad's every other weekend, so if she misses one weekend with him then she won't see him for two weeks in a row and only 2 days that whole month. I want her to see her dad if he is going to be there and be consistent, so if I didn't let said girlfriend pick her up she wouldn't get to see him. This is when I realized I needed to swallow my pride for the sake of my daughter.

I think this a problem and struggle for a lot of single parents who have both parent's still in the picture. Sometimes it is really really super hard to swallow your pride and let the other parent win for the lack of a better word. We get so caught up in the fact that we want to come out on top, we want to be right, we want to be the one who ends up with the most that we forget to put our children first. I always tell myself even though I hate Ruthie's dad so much Ruthie is still going to love him and not matter how hard I try to keep her from him she is going to want to see him or will want to find him someday. So I just have to let her find out in her own way and form her own opinion about him because my opinion is definitely not going to be hers.

So anyways I let her pick Ruthie up that weekend but before we sat down for coffee and I voiced my concerns with her. I really hate to say this but it is true and some of you single mammas out there are probably struggling with this same topic so I am just going to fill you in. It was a blessing in disguise.

If any of you had rough pasts with your ex, like me, it may make you feel better to know that this girl will be there when you can't. I told her that I can't be there to protect Ruthie and I hope that she would step in if it ever came to that. Knowing that makes me feel a little bit better because it scares the crap out of me to know that I can't be there 24/7 for her.

Said girlfriend also asked me what Ruthie ate, what her schedule was, & when she took naps. She told me she hadn't been getting much of any naps and was on a macaroni & cheese diet the whole weekend. So I filled her in and that weekend Ruthie came home a much more rested, happier, and put together little girl. I didn't have to deal with the getting her back on a schedule or the bratty, tired, grumpy attitude. She came back with a smile on her face and her hair done all pretty :).

I am not going to lie it still isn't easy. Actually it is really annoying, stressful, really pisses me off when I see stasues and pictures of Ruthie with another girl, family, or even grandma. But I just have to remind myself it could be worse. She could not like Ruthie, treat her poorly, or neglect her. I have to remind myself every single day to be thankful that at least this girl and her family love Ruthie to pieces, that that they accept her as one of their own, and that they enjoy her as much as I do. That little girl is lucky to get quadruple the love, from Josh, Megan, Matt, & I.