Friday, December 7, 2012

Confessions of A Single Mama: Double Mama Drama

Well I am sorry to say I might have lied to you here when I told you dating might be the hardest thing about being single mom. That's turned out to be pretty easy compared to the thought of your kid having somewhat of a second mom. Now that feeling S.U.C.K.S.

About a month after we separated (I'm really not 100% sure on the time frame) Ruthie's Dad told me that he had a girlfriend. The thought of him being in a relationship already did not surprise me and didn't upset me personally at all however the thought of Ruthie being around another woman besides me in a mother/daughter atmosphere made me absolutely sick to my stomach. I hated thinking that Ruthie might think of someone other then me as her mom or that if they were all out in public someone might think Ruthie was hers...I mean obviously she gets her good looks from me right? ;) Anyway, there are a lot of struggles that come with this and my first reaction was not allowing them to see each other at all. I did not want said girlfriend around her and I told Ruthie's dad that they were not to see each other unless the relationship was serious. Honestly I think I just needed some time to cope with the fact that Ruthie may have a second mom and I was convinced the relationship was a short term thing. That's another thing I was worried about, I didn't want Roo to have a life of people in and out, so I wanted her dad to figure out if this was actually something serious.

Well it took me awhile to get over this, but eventually I realized whether I like it or not, someday I am eventually going to have to deal with it and get over this, I got myself in this situation. So I told myself to get over it an stop being such a stubborn biotch. Well that was done and turned out to be somewhat easy, but then soon after that came the question of, "Can said girlfriend pick her up for me and keep her for a couple hours until I get out of work?" "WHAT ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME, HELL NO!!" what went through my head and possibly out loud. No way was I going to let someone I hardly even knew take my daughter alone and take care of her. If her dad couldn't pick her up then that is on him, not me.

Well then of course, I took my time to deal with it and looked at the reality of it. Someday I will have to accept that this will probably happen on both my end and his. My guilty conscience kicked in too. Ruthie goes to her dad's every other weekend, so if she misses one weekend with him then she won't see him for two weeks in a row and only 2 days that whole month. I want her to see her dad if he is going to be there and be consistent, so if I didn't let said girlfriend pick her up she wouldn't get to see him. This is when I realized I needed to swallow my pride for the sake of my daughter.

I think this a problem and struggle for a lot of single parents who have both parent's still in the picture. Sometimes it is really really super hard to swallow your pride and let the other parent win for the lack of a better word. We get so caught up in the fact that we want to come out on top, we want to be right, we want to be the one who ends up with the most that we forget to put our children first. I always tell myself even though I hate Ruthie's dad so much Ruthie is still going to love him and not matter how hard I try to keep her from him she is going to want to see him or will want to find him someday. So I just have to let her find out in her own way and form her own opinion about him because my opinion is definitely not going to be hers.

So anyways I let her pick Ruthie up that weekend but before we sat down for coffee and I voiced my concerns with her. I really hate to say this but it is true and some of you single mammas out there are probably struggling with this same topic so I am just going to fill you in. It was a blessing in disguise.

If any of you had rough pasts with your ex, like me, it may make you feel better to know that this girl will be there when you can't. I told her that I can't be there to protect Ruthie and I hope that she would step in if it ever came to that. Knowing that makes me feel a little bit better because it scares the crap out of me to know that I can't be there 24/7 for her.

Said girlfriend also asked me what Ruthie ate, what her schedule was, & when she took naps. She told me she hadn't been getting much of any naps and was on a macaroni & cheese diet the whole weekend. So I filled her in and that weekend Ruthie came home a much more rested, happier, and put together little girl. I didn't have to deal with the getting her back on a schedule or the bratty, tired, grumpy attitude. She came back with a smile on her face and her hair done all pretty :).

I am not going to lie it still isn't easy. Actually it is really annoying, stressful, really pisses me off when I see stasues and pictures of Ruthie with another girl, family, or even grandma. But I just have to remind myself it could be worse. She could not like Ruthie, treat her poorly, or neglect her. I have to remind myself every single day to be thankful that at least this girl and her family love Ruthie to pieces, that that they accept her as one of their own, and that they enjoy her as much as I do. That little girl is lucky to get quadruple the love, from Josh, Megan, Matt, & I.


  1. Alexis, thank you so much for posting. I'm just reaching the "new girlfriend" territory with Clara's dad, and of course I felt the same way as you. I don't like the idea of Clara spending time with another woman in her dad's life. But I've also realized that it's hypocritical of me. If I want her to be able to spend time with whomever I date in the future, I have to be okay with another woman in her life. Thank you for sharing. I don't know many moms who are in a similar situation a similar situation to mine. Your words give me comfort and strength. Thank you so much for posting. <3

  2. Alexis,

    Thank you for posting this! As "the other girl" its hard to know where to drawn the line. I know I can never be Cassie's "mom" but I want to be a stable mother figure in her life. Cassie's mom and I have had life of heart to heart talks about what roles we will play in Cassie's life. I think its important to keep that communication open and share your feelings. Now Sarah and I make the plans for when and where to pick up Cassie and we talk regularly about how Cassie is doing in school. It took some time (and harsh words) but we finally have a good relationship and work together for the best interest of Cassie. I can't imagine what you are going through as a mom...but as "the other woman" we want what is best for you and your baby too!

    1. Jen, thanks for replying. You are right it is such a hard line to draw for both woman involved. I think it takes a lot of "swallowing of the pride" for both and to really look out for the best interest of the child. Thank you for replying from the other perspective as I tend to obviously only think from my point of view.


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